Friday, October 16, 2009

A Rare coincidence??

OK, so this week I have been contemplating the events that are to unfold next week. New MRI, and evaluation of all that fun brain radiation and the new medications I am on. Well, I am not bumming out about it, but I am a bit nervous, and nervous in general about being shoved back in the MRI machine. It truly makes you empathize with the struggles that burrito stuffing must suffer. I did get the Dr. To order some medicine so that I wont be feeling so much of the pain and anxiety that I got last time.

So now to the rare coincidence.... I have an uncle in seattle who had a bout with melanoma about 10 years ago. It was removed and he was in full remission. The same week I was diagnosed with brain mets, so was he. He started new treatments, although different treatments due to the type of brain tumor he had. The dr.s were saying that his treatment was going fine. Yesterday he woke up, my aunt heard him make a weird noise and went int other room to see him, and he had died. Just like that. He was not having symptoms that I know of. I know that his case has nothing to do with mine, and we are not even related by blood, however, it just seems to hit a little close to home today.

I guess in all actuality it should be a reminder for me to take each day, minute, prayer as if it may be my last. We have to take the most out of our time, Allah has already written how much time we have left, and there is nothing we can do to change that. I am at complete peace with that.....

Friday, September 18, 2009

The patience of JOB vs. The patience of "the job at hand."

I spent the past few days in reflection, on whether I am a patient person or not. Some have ascribed it to me, but I think that patience is of so many forms. I am one of those people that if i become bored, or there is no enemy, puzzle, dilemma, you name it, I have a very small reservoir of patience. I think that I always have been a problem solver at heart. I always try to even make my children and students focus on solutions and not problems. I think this is where the patience comes from. If you give me a problem, I convert into special mode. I can separate the feelings and the emotions from the actual situation taking place in order to provide a plan of action.

So all this in mind, I would like to say to all of my dear friends that I trully hope are praying for me and thinking of me: every thing that each one of you did for me in this past year meant so much, even if it was something that I did not know of. The meals, the visits(even from over the ocean), the innumerable help through prayer and sisterhood, it all added up to a year that I flew through with minimal discomfort.

I love you all, and you each know what you mean to me. I don't wish to be a martyr, a saint, or a hero, I just want to solve this problem and get back to solving all of yours too! Hehehe!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Feeling less human, but dealing with it, walhamdullilah....

So my last post had me positively trying to fight out of the funk I felt myself falling into. I was fighting my personal belief that I still really was sick, and I thought day to day things would just become more normal.I continued to complain to doctors every week about the growing discomfort and pain I was in, and finally one of my doctors took me seriously. (they were not being negligent, there were reasons to excuse every symptom I was having.) The doctor did like the way I was describing headache pain and dizziness, so she ran some neurological tests, and after thinking there was no problem, ordered an MRI just to rule out anything serious. One week ago, I got the news that they found some small brain tumors. It is all just guessing about how and when it spread , but I had the feeling that this was the news I would get, so I went to the Dr. Appointment alone, not to upset anyone else.

They have treatment for all this and they are treating it quite aggressively. The treatment is not fun or a day at the park, but at least there is a treatment. I am dealing with it, it just still feels like a bump in the road, even though it is happening to me, It feels like it is a movie I am watching. I will just continue to remind myself that I am way too lazy to get upset over this. And I will continue to visualize all the nutty things some people might do to despair in this situation so that I can laugh and not do them myself.

I will up my supplications for you all in this time of hardship, hoping Allah will give you all exactly what you need to be successful. I ask an extra dua or 2 from each of you durring this last part of Ramadan. I ask Allah to not let this hinder me from being a good person to others, a good muslim for myself, and a productive and competent mother and teacher.

Allah is the best of healers, and the best of judges.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Feeling more human....

As-salaam alaykum all. I decided to remove the blog because I was feeling like it was a constant pity party. Well, now that I am beginning to feel more like myself everyday, i figure I will give it another go. I realize I will still have a ton of Doctors appointments over the next 6 months or so, but just to feel a little more like my old self is a reason for celebration in my own opinion. Maybe I can focus on the things I am getting back to, like almost 24 hours without a pain pill, or the fact that I can wear shoes that I love and have been mourning while looking at my massively swollen feet for the past 8 or 9 months (my favorite doc martens and second favorite Mary Jane Birks.)

So for now I will focus on making a list of all the things that I am getting back to. I am sure everyone is with me in my fight back to normalcy.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Pearl of wisdom....

Do you have one of those friends who always says what you need to hear, even when it isn't what you want to hear? I do. I have one of those awesome friends who knows what I need to hear, and can read my mind to know when i need to hear it. MashaAllah, It is such a blessing to have someone in your life who calls, shows up, and does what you need when you need it, without question, complaint or want of reward. To you: you know who you are, Thank you (and your children) for always being here for me. I know I don't say it enough.

So the pearl of the day was- " Well, you can't finish something if you don't start it." I was told this as I was foot dragging before this last round of new radiation that was to begin today. Seven more radiation treatments like the one today, and radiation is over, bi'ithnillah. So this pearl of wisdom seems so obvious and simple, but in its simplicity, it hit me in such a deep way. Maybe it was the new sleeping pills, or the pain pills, or a combination of both, but I had a clear moment.

I ask Allah to surround us all with good friends, and as for my good friend, I ask Allah to give her all the best in this life and the hereafter.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Please fill out this list of drugs you are taking...

Well, anyone with an illness that involves long term treatment has heard this before. They have one pre-printed out for me. They have me add to it, or subtract from it every time i see any doctor. It is so flipping insane. Well, the main reason it is insane is no one seems to even look at it.

They never say, "oh I see you added this new med, why? What new symptoms are you having to need this?" I see so many doctors, and they all treat different side effects. WHY do they make me take the time to fill this out if no one is checking it.

So I have this bright idea. I think next time I go to the doctor I will add 2 new meds: the first will be a dime bag of weed per day and the second will be 2 hits of crack rock per week. Then I will know ford sure how many people look at these sheets. Now I must add that I have never and will never have marajuana or crack in my life. Just for all you out there with good suspicions.

With a little over a week left in this blasted radiation, I really am beginning to understand discomfort. I am happy to be at the end of the road with it, so that all my wounds can hopefully begin to heal up once its over. The light at the end of the cancer treatment tunnel is starting to shine a little bit brighter. I feel I might just make it out of here. Alhamdullilah for everything!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A Cancer Patients Best Friend....

So, I have been procrastinating posting for the past month or so, just trudging through this part of my treatment- Radiation. Its not as bad as I thought it would be, Alhamdullilah. It has some side effects, but nothing in comparison to chemo.

I have the key to sanity and well being for cancer patients-LAZINESS and PROCRASTINATION. When I was going through the pain of chemo, that terrible intense bone pain that some drugs cause, I would sit in my chair and what I would do is try to visualize myself rolling around on the floor pulling out my hair and screaming. Well, after a few minutes of this, it seemed quite asinine, and I repeated this every time the pain got too bad to handle. If i ever became sad, I would sit and visualize myself sobbing and seriously loosing it, until it seemed almost comical. Its alot easier for the lazy person to sit and imagine something instead of getting up and actually doing it. So laziness actually saved me alot of grief.

Lately, I feel at the end of my rope, like I am on the edge of the mental breakdown cliff and I am ready to take a dive. The visualization of the mental breakdown doesn't work so well. I tried to visualize myself in the straight jacket in the white padded room, bouncing around and banging into the walls. This didn't make me feel any better, go figure? So, I decided I would have to get a new method of getting through the latest depressed feelings.

What has seemed to work so far is to do the following: When I start to go nuts, I tell myself, not today, I will allow you to break down tomorrow. The next day I say the same thing. Who knew that being queen of procrastination would ever come in handy?

You know, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and at times I feel close to seeing that light, but other times I feel that this is lasting and will last forever. If I am not being treated for it in the future, I fear I will have the constant nagging fear that recurance is on the doorstep. But you know, instead of dwelling on this tonight, I think I will sleep and dwell on it tomorrow. Procrastination wins once more.

It's like I always say: Why should I bother to do today what I can easily put off till tomorrow?