Well, excuses, excuses, but we all know I am not the most consistent person on the planet. Couple that with nothing really positive to say, and you get my reason for not posting. I feel like a wet blanket to just complain, complain, complain. So, I decided to just write whatever comes out today, just to get back on it. So now I have finished 11/16 chemo treatments, only 5 to go. I did not start the countdown until now. You better believe that these last 5 treatments I will be counting down like it’s a shuttle launch! I ask Allah that I never have to have more chemotherapy for the rest of my life. I can understand how some people choose not to have it. In my case there is not one thing about it that is so pervasive, but the whole experience just wears you down until you feel like a shell of a person. This new chemo was supposed to be like chemo light, and in many ways it is. But the pain I experience a few days later is almost unfathomable. It is not constant, but it sure can rearrange my social calendar.
It feels easy at this point to notice all the things that this experience has robbed me of, and it is difficult to appreciate the things that this experience gives me. (Just to list a few: getting a message from one of my very first best friends, Laura, and getting to see pictures of her lovely daughter, knowing that people care enough to check on you, the weight and importance you learn to give to each second of the day.)
I will go in a few weeks to discuss surgery options and dates with the whole team of doctors. I feel very uptight about this, as this is will be major decisions and I will have to make them relatively quickly. I want to be ready to tell them what I want, but I don’t even know what I want. I keep asking for clarity of mind.1 thing that makes me more comfortable is that my doctors are so good, and they seem to want the best for me, and I trust them. Their opinions are important to me. I am afraid this could turn out to be a mistake. I don’t want to be one of those dolts that just does whatever the doctor says without understanding the whole process.
Well, hopefully I will have another entry soon, and I hope to hear from you all your regular words of encouragement. I ask you all to continue to pray for a cure for me and for the right decisions to be made regarding my treatment. Thank you all for your continued support.
Was-salaam alaykum
