And the tooth is gone.....

Whoever knew that having a tooth pulled could be such an ordeal?? Well, after a month of tooth pain and several visits to the dentist, the tooth is finally gone, alhamdullilah. I remember loosing teeth as a child, and it was such a fun thing to pull out my own tooth. Well, today I was put to sleep just to yank a tooth. Seems to be a whole lot of overkill, if you ask me.

So now I feel almost ready to get back to school in a few days, after a couple of intense days of writing lesson plans and grading papers that is. I really can feel that so many people are making dua for me. So many things about this whole ordeal have been made so easy, and It helps to know so many people are in my corner.

The latest news from my tests that I had last week are as follows:
I had a new mammogram and ultrasound, and all the doctors and nurses said they have never seen progress like this after only a couple of months of chemotherapy. Two months ago, the cancer was in all my breast tissue, the skin and at least two lymph nodes under the arm. The breast tissue that showed cancer was 11cm across, and from the side view, the size of a baseball. (IBC is not like typical breast cancer in that it doesn't show a lump, all the breast tissue becomes infected.) So last week, I was shown a side by side mammogram (before and after) and now the size of the breast tissue that is involved is the size of a little green pea. There is also no longer any sign that the lymph nodes are involved.

This is great news, Alhamdullilah. I was really worried that they would come back and say there was no longer any sign of cancer. At first, it would seem that one would want to have no sign of cancer. However, knowing that no matter what they said, I would still have to continue with the same treatment, I would have been so deflated to know there was nothing to attack. Going through chemotherapy, it is much easier for me to pump myself up and know that the treatment is doing something.

So, on Wednesday, I start my weekly chemo and herceptin. 12 weeks. I realize that I still have a long road ahead, but now I am putting my focus on just getting through the next 12 weeks. I ask you all to continue to keep me strong with your dua...

My new resolution-

I realize that it has been quite a while since I have posted anything, so I have decided to force myself to sit down and throw out a few things that have been on my mind. While being on this break from school, I am realizing what a blessing it is to be working. Even though working takes every ounce of energy that I can muster, it leaves my mind with only a small amount of time to be idle and I and up getting much more done. So now with all this time, it is becoming quite hard to remain so upbeat.

The break is about over now, and I am preparing for both returning to school, as well as the weekly chemo schedule I will start next week. In getting ready for school starting back and after spending all of this time in self-reflection, I am making the commitment to myself to take more advantages of the blessings that Allah puts in front of me.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Make the most of five things before five others: life before death, health before sickness, free time before becoming busy, youth before old age, and wealth before poverty.”

I think if we all posted this hadith somewhere to prioritize the things we do daily, we would get so much more accomplished. In general, I think that we focus too much on what is wrong, and not enough on the potential and abilities we have. So then, by saying we are getting older, we feel sick, we have no time, or we do not have enough money, what we do is really enable ourselves not to be doers. In all truth, the people I know who do the most have excuses, but don't make them.

So I am making the intention to strive to be like these people who do not make excuses, and I will do what is in my power to take advantage of my life and the blessings in it.

Chemo and teeth?

Today's unexpected chemo complication:

It is well known that chemo affects teeth- only emergency dental work is allowed. How about this one: As I sit to get a filling of a painful cavity, the doctor numbs the area and starts to drill. I FEEL EVERYTHING! So he stops, takes time to numb me agin, much better this time until I cant feel much of anything, drills again, and I FEEL EVERYTHING! He numbs me again and lets it set in, comes back, and by this time, I know I bit myself, but no clue what I bit because I can't feel anything in my mouth. He starts to drill again, and I FEEL EVERYTHING! Sooooooo, they pack in the cavity with a temporary filling and tell me to come back again soon and we would try again.

I asked what was going on, and the dentist said this is a complication of the chemotherapy. I haven't done much research on it yet, I just got home with my swollen jaw, but it seems weird. So basically, I have to keep going back while they drill a little each time until they get the whole cavity. OUCH!


And the fun continues... Alhamdulillah.

“And be patient, indeed Allah is with the patient ones.” (8:46)

A-salaam alaykum to you all.

I know that Allah gives us tests to see if we will have patience, and at the same time, for us to learn patience. Seems to me though, without patience you cannot learn it. It takes so much patience just to get through the process of learning patience.

I always considered myself to be a very impatient person. We were raised with the luxury of instant gratification. Whoever thought getting exactly what you wanted, as soon as you wanted it, would be anything but a blessing? Being spoiled with this need for instant gratification robs us of the mechanism to develop patience. I find myself trying to fight that.

Another point is that it always isn’t obvious if a person has patience. For example, I don’t smile a lot, so people think this means I am not happy. (this is not the truth most of the time.) I stay calm, so they assume I have buckets of patience. I guess when you think about it another way, patience is different for every person. People show patience in different ways, just like people grieve or show happiness in other ways. Patience can really only be judged by Allah.

I ask Allah to increase me and you all in patience …..

Suhaib ibn Sinan narrated that the Prophet (s) said: “How remarkable is the case of the believer! There is good for him in everything, but this is not the case for anyone except for the believer. When the believer receives any good, he is thankful to Allah, and gets a reward. And when some misfortune befalls him, he endures it patiently, for which he is (also) rewarded.”

Light at the end of the tunnel??

Think about this: In general it is better to see light at the end of the tunnel. In dealing with cancer, I was advised instead to see the light at the end of each treatment.

So far the best piece of advice I was given from anyone, was from a nurse in the hospital who had breast cancer that recurred twice since her original diagnosis. She spoke with such a positive and beautiful spirit. She told me that I should never focus on the big picture. Seems at first to be really odd advice. It seems focusing on the big picture, getting rid of the cancer all together would help a person in their treatment. She went on to explain that the best way to get through treatment is to focus only on the actual treatment you are having.

So only think of getting through each chemotherapy treatment, or whatever you are in at that point. Now this makes too much sense. Focusing on the big picture, in most cases, is tough because treatment in most cases is sooo long. For me, for instance, treatment will be at least a year, then a ton of tests for years after this. Thinking of each chemo cycle, means only getting through three weeks at a time. Energy seems to be more focused this way and you focus on getting over each small hill, instead of climbing the mountain all at once.


For me at least, this makes so much sense, and it is helping me to keep a positive outlook. I deal with only side effects, illness, tiredness, and the fear of the actual process I am undergoing. At this point, I am staying focused, and refuse to get bogged down in how long this whole process will last.

I thank Allah for putting that nurse in my path. She was not someone I would have met in treatment. A lab tech who took my blood asked me why I was always in the lab for blood tests, and I told her my condition. She arranged to have me meet this nurse to talk to her the next time I came for blood testing. Allah puts people in our paths everyday. Wisdom comes from all places. We should keep our minds and hearts opened to this.

Eid Mubarak to you all...

First, Eid Mubarak to you all. I ask Allah to give you many blessings, and make you aware of them and thankful for them.

This is the first year my children are old enough to really get what Eid is, but I think we will be spending it at home. I will do my best to make them feel it is a special day. I feel I will be too tired to drag them around and watch them as they run through crowds of people.

Almost two weeks since my last chemo treatment, so I will do my best to talk myself into a high level of energy, so I can get some long put-off chores done. I am and always have been a major procrastinator. I do not need a reason to put anything off. Now, I have an automatic excuse for putting off everything.

Is there a cure for procrastination? I have asked many people who are not procrastinators this questions, and let me tell you, no light was shined on the problem with their answer. Almost in the same exact words their advice is to do whatever you have to do as soon as you know you need to do it. As self-elected queen of procrastinators everywhere, I tell you organized and severly punctual people that this advice is hilarious. It is like telling an anorexic "just eat" or telling a pyromaniac to put down the matches. I have come to believe that procrastination is really similar to an addiction. I think the only true cure for any major personality flaw or addiction is a complete new way of life, and none of this comes overnight. Living an Islamic lifestyle definitely is a key to success in getting rid of bad habits.

May Allah make us all productive and energetic during this Eid, and may He help us all to put our best Islamic foot forward....

How are you doing????

So it's Friday, and that means as I go through my day at school (teaching second grade at the local Islamic school) there are tons of extra people around that I do not see every day. So this is the day to prepare an answer to the ever pressing question "How are you doing?"

Honestly, It is not that I mind the question really, It only means that people care. The problem is, as a person going through chemotherapy, I am not even sure how I feel. Reality is that how I feel changes every five seconds. The fluctuation is so much, that within ten minutes, if I answer the question ten times, I may give ten different answers. So I have reverted to the failsafe "alhamdullilah!" Can't go wrong there now, can you?

I feel that I push myself way beyond what my actual abilities are right now, or rather beyond what I really should do. The reason why is I really feel terrible to be looked at with pity. I don't want for people to feel sorry for me. I guess I feel that Allah has tested me with this for some reason, and if that is so, people should not feel sorry for me. I'm tough, and I believe in what Allah has for me. In order to minimize the people who become sad, I push through the pain and this actually becomes a big help in day to day progress in the fight against this illness. I think it also helps others increase their faith in the fact that Allah can truly make the hardest things easy.

I ask Allah to make things easy for all the Muslims in whatever hardship they find themselves in. Ameen.....