Please fill out this list of drugs you are taking...

Well, anyone with an illness that involves long term treatment has heard this before. They have one pre-printed out for me. They have me add to it, or subtract from it every time i see any doctor. It is so flipping insane. Well, the main reason it is insane is no one seems to even look at it.

They never say, "oh I see you added this new med, why? What new symptoms are you having to need this?" I see so many doctors, and they all treat different side effects. WHY do they make me take the time to fill this out if no one is checking it.

So I have this bright idea. I think next time I go to the doctor I will add 2 new meds: the first will be a dime bag of weed per day and the second will be 2 hits of crack rock per week. Then I will know ford sure how many people look at these sheets. Now I must add that I have never and will never have marajuana or crack in my life. Just for all you out there with good suspicions.

With a little over a week left in this blasted radiation, I really am beginning to understand discomfort. I am happy to be at the end of the road with it, so that all my wounds can hopefully begin to heal up once its over. The light at the end of the cancer treatment tunnel is starting to shine a little bit brighter. I feel I might just make it out of here. Alhamdullilah for everything!

A Cancer Patients Best Friend....

So, I have been procrastinating posting for the past month or so, just trudging through this part of my treatment- Radiation. Its not as bad as I thought it would be, Alhamdullilah. It has some side effects, but nothing in comparison to chemo.

I have the key to sanity and well being for cancer patients-LAZINESS and PROCRASTINATION. When I was going through the pain of chemo, that terrible intense bone pain that some drugs cause, I would sit in my chair and what I would do is try to visualize myself rolling around on the floor pulling out my hair and screaming. Well, after a few minutes of this, it seemed quite asinine, and I repeated this every time the pain got too bad to handle. If i ever became sad, I would sit and visualize myself sobbing and seriously loosing it, until it seemed almost comical. Its alot easier for the lazy person to sit and imagine something instead of getting up and actually doing it. So laziness actually saved me alot of grief.

Lately, I feel at the end of my rope, like I am on the edge of the mental breakdown cliff and I am ready to take a dive. The visualization of the mental breakdown doesn't work so well. I tried to visualize myself in the straight jacket in the white padded room, bouncing around and banging into the walls. This didn't make me feel any better, go figure? So, I decided I would have to get a new method of getting through the latest depressed feelings.

What has seemed to work so far is to do the following: When I start to go nuts, I tell myself, not today, I will allow you to break down tomorrow. The next day I say the same thing. Who knew that being queen of procrastination would ever come in handy?

You know, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and at times I feel close to seeing that light, but other times I feel that this is lasting and will last forever. If I am not being treated for it in the future, I fear I will have the constant nagging fear that recurance is on the doorstep. But you know, instead of dwelling on this tonight, I think I will sleep and dwell on it tomorrow. Procrastination wins once more.

It's like I always say: Why should I bother to do today what I can easily put off till tomorrow?

Surgery over!

I will write more later, still feeling tired. My surgery was tuesday, and it went without surprise. The surprise came with the pathology report which said that there is no more cancer in my body- well all the tests were negative. The surgeon was in shock, so was i and all my family. I still have to finish radiation and 6 months of herceptin, but as of now the cancer has been killed, thanks to allah. Thank you all for your prayers and kind thoughts. I will be spending the next 2 weeks resting and trying not to do too much so that i can heal. I will go now to rest. I hope you all are happy out there- especially "superman." I miss you all and would be happy to have visitors, but dont expect tea and cookies. You will just get a smile, and maybe a bottle of water, haha.

Surgery tomorrow??

So, the day has finally come. I am still in somewhat of disbelief. It seems like i have been waiting for the day to come forever, and at the same time, i feel like the time flew by too fast. So i will be in the hospital a night or two according to the doctor, but for sure I will beg to stay as long as i can. Resting is much easier at the hospital if you have 2 small children at home. I cannot understand how someone can undergo this surgery and be ready to walk out of the hospital the next day.

I got through the chemotherapy treatments by telling myself over and over "it will be over soon." I tried to convince myself that once the treatments were over , i would begin to feel like myself again. This couldn't be the case when i think of it now. You can't take this tough medicine, which generally poisons you, for 6 months and expect all the side effects to vanish over night. The fatigue seems to be dissipating, but the other side effects seem to be growing, and new ones pop up each day.

I start the next chapter in denial. The title of the chapter is "After the surgery, things will return to normal." As I realize this is most likely not the case, It is what i need to hear right now. I will continue to tell myself this, as long as it works. Well, until i realize that i need a new chapter-" After radiation, things will return to normal." Ha! In all reality my friends, I really do believe that there is no such thing as normal, and we just do our best to cope with the changes to our ever-evolving lives. May Allah help us all (especially me) to cope to the best of our ability without whining or complaining.

15 down, 1 to go , and date set for surgery!

Ok, so only one more fun chemo treatment to go, then three weeks later I will have the surgery. Date is set for April 14th. You know, I really thought all decisions would be made today when i saw the surgeon. I thought for sure I would leave there with the peace of mind at least knowing what would be done and approximately when. Well, let's just say that things didn't exactly go that way.

Still, no final decisions have been made for the long run, everything remains a big maybe. Well things for the 14th of April are final, but more than that, no decisions, it all depends on pathology. One great thing that came out today was that as soon as the surgeon saw me, she said that my swollen arm was lymph edema, and that i need to start physical therapy to get it under control before surgery. I am hopeful now that this problem will be controlled soon.

They said the stay in the hospital for mastectomy patients is one night, or possibly two if you are really doing poorly. I really hope i can whine enough to get to stay two nights. I cant fathom going home after only one night in the hospital. With my two little kids here, I can imagine they will be jumping all over me and making me crazy. I think i would stay a week if they would let me.

Short post tonight, just wanted to keep all you inquisitive minds up to date.

14 down, 2 to go!

Yes, you read it right! 2 more treatments left, wal-hamdullilah. Two more treatments until surgery and then radiation. I will still have to go every 3 weeks for herceptin treatments until January. However, these treatments only take 30 minutes, and have no side effects. For now, I am looking forward to the days of hair, less pain, and more energy. This may be slightly too optimistic, it could be a good while before any of these things are back to normal for me. The way I look at it is this- it doesn't hurt to be optimistic at this point.

I have to make all the big decisions about surgery this week on Thursday, and for this i keep constantly asking Allah's guidance. I just need to realize that whatever I am doing, it will be the best for my chances of recovery and no recurrence, so whatever the bad that comes with it, I will just have to deal. Is it naive to believe that the doctors will tell me what my best options are?I am sure there are those out there who would advise me not to have treatment at all, or at least not to trust the doctors. I know there are even those out there who would advise others against chemotherapy. I do not belittle their concerns, I can say firsthand that chemo is not healthy. On the other hand, with an aggressive form of cancer, time is not abundant to explore options and to try things that are not proven to work.

Is it short sighted to believe in myself and those around me that no matter what is done, I will pull together with those close to me and just grin and bear it? I don't think so, and until someone wants to tell me otherwise, I will just keep grinning through my last treatments, and probably straight into the operating room. I have found, when you are happy and joking with nurses and doctors, you actually get remembered more, better treatment, and alot of extra kindness.

Hope to update you all after thursday's appointment with dates and recovery times of surgery....

In and out of the hospital again!

So.... well, after checking in with the nurse to tell her the antibiotics were not helping my swollen arm, she asked me to stop by their clinic. I did so, and they said it no longer looked like infection, they thought it was a blood clot, and they wanted to hospitalize me to watch me and do more tests. They were sure it was a blood clot just like they were sure it was an infection. After the tests they were sure it was not a blood clot, and then thought there must be a mass in my lungs, so they ordered more tests. Thankfully, there was no such lung mass. So now I have the docs puzzled. They can't figure out what happened, and they have no idea where the swelling is coming from- this also means they can't figure out how to fix it. It is rather painful, and looks similar to a latex glove blown up.

So back tomorrow for more chemo. And they blew so many veins in the hospital, that I have no idea where they will be able to do the chemo. If I were to play the if game, I would rewind and have them give me a port, so that my veins would still be slightly intact. 4 treatments to go, and then on to the next leg of the journey. I am happy to be home, asking all of you for your good thoughts and du'aa.